Relationships 101 Is Out: Partnership 101 Is In

Partnership. This has been the term I have constantly attached to the word ‘relationship’ since I met Dori. Apart from the fact that I never really made it well with my past so-called ‘relationships’, I learned with the person that I am with now the more solid values that serve as keys to a successful relationship. It is quite unnerving to be always asked why I am still single and give me that dubious look of what I am up to. But never was I moved especially when I always ponder of how much luckier I see myself than the others my age who are either too young to have kids and too old to be flirting around still. 

I learned through time that it does not matter how much you would view a relationship to be but to see it as a breathable avenue for dynamism and growth. I may have failed before a few times and so, because I have not been fully aware of the characteristics that I need to take the time to appreciate and learn. 

With honesty, trust, communication, respect, resolution of conflict, responsibility, being your real selves, romance and humor, you can definitely see the bright light of a successful relationship shining through you. Respect and humor are often the underrated characteristics but in reality, play a huge impact on what we make out of the relationships we are in. 

I still get the usual question of when I would get married or when will I have my own kids. I am yet to reach my thirties, but I don’t give a damn. I’d always wish to be the person that I am now rather than be a slouchy housewife too busy with her kids and husband to even remember herself still. Or be a striving single mom who works hard for the money alone just for mere survival. 

I am happy. That is what relationships should make you feel so. That’s what’s important. 

For the Commitment Phobics

I used to have a problem with sustaining intimate relationships. A lot of psychological tests I have taken before say I have commitment issues. Many studies say it could be traced back to my childhood days when I have always seen the woman in the family as the stronger persona than the males. I used to blame the relationship itself.

But through time I learned that I am the only one responsible to make the difference in a particular relationship. I felt that when I became open and ready for commitments, my criteria expanded and I became more specific. I gradually discovered what would work for me after all the times I have had my heart broken or suffered in relationships that I can never even count as the ‘relationship’. In short, there are truly good rewards behind every lesson learned.

We must understand that when we start understanding our own hearts, we learn how to forgive and be compassionate. And it is only by this time, that we can offer such to another person without disregarding to take care of ourselves. Suddenly, you learn how to share your innermost feelings to just one person and regard it as honorable to stand by each other’s word. You have gained sufficient self esteem that you know already that it is better to walk away than hurt someone knowingly.

Believe me. If you do not like yourself and for as long as you are never comfortable with your own skin, then you will never ever be able to learn how to commit. It would continue to seem that the right person still has not come yet for you. When the truth of the matter is, you are the one who is not being right with yourself.

Are you in a relationship? What are your preferences? Remember that the properties or financial wealth of another person do not complete the equation in you. For when the lights go out at the end of each day, there is just the two of you and it is commitment and love that would bind you.

And two became one

"Spiritual partnership does not necessarily require religious belief, but does require people who work together for "something more." In practical terms, we're talking about getting to know yourself—getting to know what you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're intending, what your fears are, and what your loves are. That is, what it means while you're walking on earth.

Spiritual growth and meaningful relationships develop together. In other words, the journey to your soul requires the courage to create relationships of substance and depth. These are spiritual partnerships – partnerships between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.

A spiritual partnership strives for more than just marital vows to provide material comfort. If you want to have the kind of relationship that your heart yearns for, you have to create it. You can't depend on somebody else creating it for you.

Spiritual partnerships have four main requirements—commitment, compassion, courage and conscious communication.

Are you in a spiritual partnership? The first step to finding out is to write down five words that describe your marriage. If you're not married, describe the relationship that you're in right now."

- Gary Zukav




Dori says...


Five words, hmm..


Loving.

Fulfilling.

Challenging.

Meaningful.

Unpredictable.

By loving fully, we become fulfilled and challenges we face together make life so much meaningful no matter how unpredictable it may be.

So, are we on the right track? :-)


May we both be watchful that no animosity or fear ruin the rhythm of our nicely choreographed dance. May we not be engulfed by complacency. May we stir away from false assumptions and worldly temptations. May we not grow apart amidst our individuality. May we not lose focus on that one true thing in this life - that is to become God's glory.


Grace and miracles have been our constant visitors, and I'd surely want them as permanent residents in our new abode. Thank you for unceasingly magnifying the Lord's touch just by your presence in my life.



I love you. More. And more. Each day. Everyday. And always.

Auj says...

The best thing about me is you. -Shannon Crown


Never did I believe that love is easy. And I am so grateful I learned and tasted its bitter fruit early on. Yes, it could be as that disgusting. Just come to think of it. We have traditionally used the word "falling" in love which is so ironically masochistic and ends up as something sadistic if eventually, you get your heart broken by the very person whom you felt completed the wholeness in you then. Aren't we all crazy?

However, nothing could be better than tasting it for yourself, learning from it, knowing what it is, and how it should be treated. Love.

I strive to become a good person for this love that embraces my life right now for the noble reason that it is the very essence that made me a good person again. Many say that to become one is to acknowledge that you are actually two. And that there is so much more to share if we would take the time to merge the goodness that God has planted in us, that is Him. That goodness which we can never earn, but can only be given by Him. Hence, we become good to each other. We then turn out to be good ourselves.

More than you will ever learn about how much I love you, I put you on a pedestal higher than myself. I give you my highest respect and trust just because you give it to me naturally as well. Like grace. You don't make things hard for me because even before I can prove things, I know, deep within myself, that you have already believed. Always, when we talk, I can see your heart embracing mine sincerely, like how we restfully embrace in love at the end of each day.

If there's one thing...

I want to let you know at this point in our everyday race, that I have never really made it well with love. I have always been a subversive wave trying to break free from the vast shore which was actually broken pieces of me everywhere. But with someone like you existing around me, I realized that it was worth again fighting and risking everything for.

I'm glad you were the greatest risk of my life.

For it felt so much better than risking for nothing.

It has been utterly overwhelming. But the right track is definitely where we are right now.

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

For communication to have meaning it must have a life. It must transcend "you and me" and become "us". If I truly communicate, I see in you a life that is not me and partake of it. And you see and partake of me. In a small way we then grow out of our old selves and become something new. To have this kind of sharing I cannot enter a conversation clutching myself. I must enter it with loose boundaries. I must give myself to the relationship, and be willing to be what grows out of it.

From Notes to Myself - Hugh Prather


Auj says...

We often hear the old cliche of saying that we often hear but we don't really get to listen. The usual scenario of having someone in front of you, you get a nod, you somehow assume you are being heard, but you just get a blank stare as a matter of fact. And then you'd hear how the old movie script goes between sweethearts, "hey, are you there?" or "where were you? are you with me?" or better off "are we on the same page?"

How do we listen? How do we let the other feel that we really care just by simple gestures of sincere nodding or a genuine focus of eye attention that would make you melt at that very point in times of conversing? What makes a conversation relevant? Yes, we may know how to define communication, but how do we really implement it in any kind of relationship? What blocks it? What makes us shake when those same blocks start tumbling down on our heads and witness the start of a breakdown?

Those who often claim that the reason of their relationship's failure is lack of communication revolves around statements that sound like these:

- 'There are lots of things that I don't understand about us.'
- 'There are lots of things that I can't seem to comprehend about this love that we hold for each other.'
- 'If you would always listen to what others would say instead of what I have to say first, then we are headed for nothing...'
- 'You never tell me what's wrong.'

or the worst would be this:

- 'We never really talked...'


To listen requires more than just using your pair of ears. Do you even know that we lose so much more that we have to know when we pretend to be listening rather than just literally not being there and missing the whole actual doing of hearing? We lose and watch our quasar of love die down with its own light when we get afflicted with speculations rather than be comforted with assurances. The heart is what we should not put to a close. If we would only listen with it. If we would only listen to one another as we dream together.

Each time we open our hearts as we listen, the chances of longing to be understood yourself expands into a horizon that is limitless. And it is only by then that we can luxuriate in the level of communication that defines us both as a couple and as separate, exquisite beings.

It's nice to hear from others how much they see us love each other at our best. But isn't it sweeter to hear it straight from each other how we are changed every day into something better with our love?

Imagine how peaceful relationships would be if everyone would be humble enough to overcome those fears, which are often, in fact, unidentified, and open one's self to communicating..

When we learn how to listen, that's the only time we can be truly heard.




Dori says...

Imagine talking to a wall, a flat, lifeless and blank wide space in a four-cornered enclosed room, all you would hear is a loud echo of your own voice. That's sometimes how people can best be described especially when coupled with emotions of anger in an argument or heated discussion. All you would hear is your opinion and anybody who would dare contradict should be prepared with Matrix moves and avoid all flying objects you would be throwing at the peak of your rage. So what actually happens is you yourself are not yet really open for communication since no strand of your hearing nerves is working, all shut down; just your blabber mouth and every muscle used for babbling are active.

You might ask, what about with positive emotions, say for example being so happy? It could be said that when you are happy, endorphins are high, so chemically speaking it's easier to channel which senses you would like working best since there is no constriction of vessels compared to when you're angry. You would be in such high spirits to welcome anybody who'd like to share their feelings and ideas with you, thus you both enter into the traffic-free highway of communication. Ever wonder why highways are also called interchange? Word Web explicitly defines it as a junction of highways on different levels that permits traffic to move from one to another without crossing traffic streams. Perfect. Just the right balance of talking and listening for people to meet at some junction and not cross boundaries yet allows for smooth interaction. In the process, both of you end up enriched, interchanged, transcending from I and myself and you and yourself to we and us.

Yes, the heart listens more intently than the ears. If these senses work in harmony, there will be less war, less fighting, less trouble in the world.. well, I might be going overboard in my faith to aim for world peace, so let me just go back in saying how heartwarming it feels every quiet moment spent reflecting on how we have, through time, improved on ourselves by trusting our fears are laid to rest in each other's heart vessels.

I'm so glad my fears are safe with you.

The Beginning

What marks the beginning of a relationship?

Auj says...


What better way to begin than to become friends. Trying out one's luck to start all over in the world of relationships is widely experienced by both sides of the world: the one who has been single for a long time and the one who's always hooked with someone (regardless of the duration) but never stayed long with just one person. The common thing: both is looking to have someone 'for good' this time.


Many would ask when would those sparks fly? How would you know that you're up for the grab this time? Who would really make your heart beat in a rate that is increasingly unimaginable?How do you know that this is finally the person whom you can bear being with in your everyday and still manage to make you undoubtingly happy?


It all goes down to that 'getting to know each other' phase. It was two to four years ago when I got this lesson from watching a Korean soap. The lead guy character was a typical playboy who always rushes way past this stage in his relationships and later on learned things the hard way by getting his own heart broken in the end.


The guy believes that to go through that phase would just mean a lot of time wasted. There's a lot of people like that walking in and out of each other's worlds. They carry the perception that there is no need to still go to the details if you know the person is right for you already. What we forget is that this is what a relationship is going to be about. The tiny bits and pieces about another person that you choose to love and spend your life with are the very parts that will complete the whole presentation of your loved one's totality of self to you. Everything matters.


If we would put this into heart, we would easily realize that we are not wasting time at all especially if we'd discover that once we commit ourselves again to a lifelong dream of love and passion, to get to know each other is what we'll be spending all our time on.




When we love truly and beyond more than we thought we are just allowed to, we can be compared to "*the eccentrics who wow us with their unusual habits and stream-of-conscious creativity, the inventors who give us wonderfully unique gadgets that whiz and whirl and make our life surprisingly more manageable, the geniuses who discover new mathematical equations, the great musicians and writers and artists who enliven our lives." (*taken from Liane Holliday Willey's "Pretending to be Normal")





Dori says...

If we are to go astronomically inclined, the cliche that the moon and the stars must have been in perfect alignment and shining brightly at the exact time that two people meet would explain how relationships begin. I know, it sounds corny, but how else could we at least grasp an understanding of why a simple smile or a quick hand shake gives you a heart flutter and for that split second feel for a moment that the world's turning goes into a halt?
　
Indeed, it sounds like a fluke hits you when after the introduction, unconsciously both of you hear angels singing in your head, "I call you and you call me..it's funny how we get on so easily..coz we're getting to know each other a little too well.." and when you wake up in the morning find yourself humming in the shower "Everytime that your eyes meet mine, I light up like a neon sign, yes, we're getting to know each other a little too well..."

Many people say that when you finally meet the one, it feels right. The person seems to fit the missing pieces in your heart, and definitely mind. The telltale signs of being in love then become apparent on you - you show up at work earlier than usual and very inspired that even your boss will notice the glow in your eyes (not knowing that you're just showing up for work to chat), the nicest smile stuck on your face with the sound of a text message and finding yourself in need of unlimited text load. There's just the magic word why this happens - you click.

Things and events fall into place and it feels like the universe is nodding in agreement. Not even GMA's SONA traffic or MRT's endless lines will stop the two of you from converging. If there's a will, there surely is a way - a street, a road, an alley, whereever you might find yourself heading to that place where possibilities meet.